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The Euro-Disneyrock(TM) FAQ(C)

as related by Steven Cherry

Where is Euro-Disneyrock(TM)?

Located in the stunning Swiss Alps, Euro-Disneyrock(TM) is located at the base of Walt Disney's favorite mountain, the Matterhorn.

Is the rock real?

Like all Disney parks, we take great pains to simulate everything. Nothing in a Disney park is real, but only a trained geologist would know the difference. We crush and reconstitute the indigenous rock of the region to create artificial rock with just the features and textures we want. This is an important aspect even of Disneyland(TM), Disneyworld(TM), etc., naturally it's even more important in a rock climbing park.

What are the routes like?

Designed by some of the most famous, if not the best, rock climbers in the world, the Disney Corporation has hired professionals from artificial wall companies on three continents to construct challenging rates with ratings of 1 to 9 (adapting the overly cumbersome rating scheme YDS, where these ratings were known as "5.1" to "5.9"). Unlike natural rock settings, these ratings are guaranteed to be accurate and to never change. (For example, we re-texturize the walls every winter.) Thus you can climb the same routes over and over again without ever having to worry about them suddenly changing. Moreover, all Disneyrock(SM) parks (there are a total of 85 in various stages of planning or construction) will have exactly the same routes. So even if you go to a different Disneyrock(TM) each year, there's no messy learning curve!

Is it true you *cannot* get hurt at Euro-Disneyrock?(TM)

Yes.

How is that possible?

In addition to requiring helmets and full body padding, the patented Disneyrock(R,pat.pend.) construction methods include these safety features:

  • 2.5 inch bolts for toprope anchors

  • 1.5 inch bolts every 2 feet for lead climbing

  • all lead belaying is done by trained Park employees

  • toprope climbing uses a custom-made spring-loaded belay device manufactured by the now-Disney-owned company SilentPartner, Inc. No more risky human belaying.

  • all Euro-Disneyrock(TM) walls are backed by 3-inch foam. The same system that makes household carpeting comfortable has been converted into a vertical safety net. Should you actually take a fall where your body makes contact with the climbing wall, the wall gives way. Impact forces have been measured experimentally and have been adjusted to be comparable to those of a padded cell in a mental hospital, where safety has been a byword for many years.

    How much does it cost?

    Prices are comparable to the admission fees at other Disney theme parks.

    What happens if I get tired?

    Actual rock climbing is just a small part of the fun at Euro-Disneyrock. Enjoy many other fine other attractions, including

  • thrilling rappels down waterfalls

  • belayed rafting

  • history of rockclimbing museum, featuring ancient pitons, goldline ropes, and a simulation of Warren Harding bolting the headwall to the Nose

  • speedclimbing competitions by trained simians (if you enjoy the porpoises at the local aquarium, you're in for a real treat here!)

    What if I get hungry?

    Enjoy world-class cuisine as McDonalds and Euro-Disneyrock chefs create theme meals such as DisneyGORP(TM), DisneyWallFruitCocktail(TM), and DisneyColdBeansFromTheCan(TM). Instead of tables our restaurants feature portaledges, and no dangerous knives or forks are needed, all food is eaten with a DisneyWallSpoon(TM) (which is yours to keep!)

    Where do I stay?

    Stay at any of Euro-Disneyrock's fine hotel and campground accommodations. In addition, all huts on the nearby Matterhorn are now owned by the Disney Corp. Trams can get you from the huts to the climbing in under 20 minutes!

    Sounds great! How do I get there?

    Shuttle buses are available from all major European capitals. If coming from North America, just take one of Air Disney's convenient charter flights. You'll change planes in London and fly directly to our private airport at the base of the Matterhorn, so you won't hear a word of French or any other unintelligible language.

    When it is open?

    Beginning March 1st, hired rock climbers will test all equipment and routes, to make sure that no real people get hurt. Then, exactly one month later, the Park will be open to the public. To reserve a spot at what is surely the most fun vacation of the new millenium, click here .